I recorded this rant because I’m bored. I fuckin hate deep dish and NY style pizza.

I don’t know what kind of culinary trauma Chicago is working through but their pizza isn’t pizza, it’s a STEW, or at best a stew with ambitions. It’s a stew with a gluten lid. I need a ladle, not a fork. I have to displace sauce like I’m fording the fucking Oregon Trail just to find the crust. It’s lasagna that forgot it was Italian. It’s soup gaslit into thinking it can achieve something. You don’t eat that shit you survive it. You don’t chew it, you contemplate your entire life while shoveling it in and wondering how something with so much molten cheese could still feel emotionally cold.

I’m in agreement with Jon when it comes to Deep-Dish pizza and how it isn’t a pizza but a tomato-laden crime scene in a cast-iron pan. But he comes in so hot and screaming like he’s right about how real pizza folds. No. No Jon. I ain’t ever going to trust a fucking dude from New Jersey when it comes to pizza. That’s just New York opinions with worse parking. It’s like if Staten Island got a podcast and decided it was a food critic. These are people who look at a strip mall and say “This is where I want my Italian food experience to begin.” You ever seen a pizza joint from Jersey? Half of them double as laundromats or vape shops. They serve slices so thin you could laminate one and use it as a fucking bookmark. Their idea of crust is “whatever’s left after sadness finishes baking.” You pick up a slice and it’ll collapse faster than their economy would if you banned tanning beds.

Fucking Jon motherfucking goddamn Stewart out here talking about how reall pizza fooooolds. Oh. Does it? DOES IT JON? Real pizza folds? My money folds (jiggle jiggle). My spine folds after sleeping the wrong way. My dreams fold under the pressure of existence. That doesn’t make thme LUNCH. But of course he would love this goddamn monstrosity called ‘New York Style Pizza’. You would too if you grew up being told that thin floppy bread covered in oily regret was pizza. It isn’t pizza. It’s barely a suggestion of pizza. It’s whispering the concpet of mozzarella over a saltine while screaming about the Jets.

I love Jon. I really do but I wish he would stick to tearing down Fox News and republicans because when he says NY Pizza is the real deal all I hear is “I enjoy food that is as thin, undercooked and as lacking in substance as a conservative argument.” Stay with eviscerating fascists and not defending pizza that looks like it needs an intervention and a fuckin’ towel.

From what I understand it’s what you drink at the family reunion once you run out of cheap beer and need to forget how bad Chicago is.