Could you explain what you mean by calling it an oppressive custom? Personally, I love being with someone. It has the upside of me getting to enjoy companionship with another human being, and it doesn’t feel like handcuffs. Sometimes I have to do things that I wouldn’t do otherwise for the sake of my partner’s feelings/wellbeing, but isn’t that the case in all relationships? Romantic, familial, platonic, or otherwise? If my partner wants me to do something I’m truly uncomfortable with (like allowing them to track my location), and we can’t agree on a compromise, I’d just end that relationship and find someone I’m more compatible with.
It’s hard for me to express it clearly but you description doesn’t seem to include an overwhelming sense that being in any kind of relationship like that MUST also mean a exclusivity of intimacy. Complete with paranoia over whether you will ever violate this hard line and become a cheater.
And I’m not against some people wanting that. I’m against that being the default understanding for almost all sexual relationships, even when the sexuality part dies and then you become a prisoner of the relationship, torn between convenience of staying together and being sexually unfulfilled, forever.
Not to mention all the policing that comes around hunting violators of these pacts. And worse, the societal skewing pushing everyone into these exclusivity arrangements. Where I work, just 20 years ago it was well known that married people favored each other and the promotion were far more likely for married than the celibates. There are often many other forms of incentives, a lot of them financial, disfavorable toward celibates.
These types of arrangement used to be inescapable literally, to the point of many killing their spouses and elites having wars over the right to escape, and still we barely are able to escape the oppressive institution and its demands.
This makes sense. I’m completely on board with ethical non-monogamy. To me, cheating is just when you betray your partner’s trust to engage in sexual/romantic behavior with someone else, and what actually count as cheating depends on an agreement between you and your partner(s).
I did see OP respond to my comment and edit it away. If I recall, they said something along the lines of 'it’s oppressive for someone to restrict your freedom in forming relationships with other people." And I do understand that point. Like, if my friend tried to tell me I couldn’t be friends with some other person, I’d be pretty mad. So why do allow a romantic partner to set boundaries on the potential relationships I could form with others that have nothing to do with them?
Well, personally, I’m monogamous, (although I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea of an open relationship in some form). I have no desire to be with anyone but my partner, and my current partner feels the same way. I’ve also been cheated on before, and it felt absolutely terrible. A lot of the pain came from my ex’s lies and betray, but it also just hurt to imagine him being with someone else and preferring them over me. Those emotions of possessiveness and jealousy, even divorced (pun intended) from the betrayal element of cheating would still upset me, I think. Maybe these feelings are just a result of a combination of insecurity and my societal upbringing towards monogamy, but they are still very real to me. So I want a relationship with a partner who will respect my feelings on this matter and do their best to avoid causing me strong emotional pain, just as I would do for them.
To me, it feels more freeing to just not have to worry about my partner getting with other people, and it’s well-worth the trade-off of not doing something I had no desire for anyways. I see nothing wrong with this type of relationship as long as everyone involved consents to it. But if others want relationships with complete freedom on what they do with additional partners, more power to them.
why do allow a romantic partner to set boundaries on the potential relationships I could form with others
it also just hurt to imagine him being with someone else and preferring them over me
My problem is exclusivity being the standard or default requirement for almost everyone, in many case just because that’s what everyone else is doing.
This deletes, say 95% of the population. It’s already a very improbable thing to hook up with someone compatible and have that requirement, unless you have a very high “hook up attempt” rate than you can just forget the whole thing as unrealistic, which I did a long time ago.
It’s just not going to happen, no interested, the terms are unacceptable I’m not even going to waste any time trying.
Could you explain what you mean by calling it an oppressive custom? Personally, I love being with someone. It has the upside of me getting to enjoy companionship with another human being, and it doesn’t feel like handcuffs. Sometimes I have to do things that I wouldn’t do otherwise for the sake of my partner’s feelings/wellbeing, but isn’t that the case in all relationships? Romantic, familial, platonic, or otherwise? If my partner wants me to do something I’m truly uncomfortable with (like allowing them to track my location), and we can’t agree on a compromise, I’d just end that relationship and find someone I’m more compatible with.
It’s hard for me to express it clearly but you description doesn’t seem to include an overwhelming sense that being in any kind of relationship like that MUST also mean a exclusivity of intimacy. Complete with paranoia over whether you will ever violate this hard line and become a cheater.
And I’m not against some people wanting that. I’m against that being the default understanding for almost all sexual relationships, even when the sexuality part dies and then you become a prisoner of the relationship, torn between convenience of staying together and being sexually unfulfilled, forever.
Not to mention all the policing that comes around hunting violators of these pacts. And worse, the societal skewing pushing everyone into these exclusivity arrangements. Where I work, just 20 years ago it was well known that married people favored each other and the promotion were far more likely for married than the celibates. There are often many other forms of incentives, a lot of them financial, disfavorable toward celibates.
These types of arrangement used to be inescapable literally, to the point of many killing their spouses and elites having wars over the right to escape, and still we barely are able to escape the oppressive institution and its demands.
This makes sense. I’m completely on board with ethical non-monogamy. To me, cheating is just when you betray your partner’s trust to engage in sexual/romantic behavior with someone else, and what actually count as cheating depends on an agreement between you and your partner(s).
I did see OP respond to my comment and edit it away. If I recall, they said something along the lines of 'it’s oppressive for someone to restrict your freedom in forming relationships with other people." And I do understand that point. Like, if my friend tried to tell me I couldn’t be friends with some other person, I’d be pretty mad. So why do allow a romantic partner to set boundaries on the potential relationships I could form with others that have nothing to do with them?
Well, personally, I’m monogamous, (although I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea of an open relationship in some form). I have no desire to be with anyone but my partner, and my current partner feels the same way. I’ve also been cheated on before, and it felt absolutely terrible. A lot of the pain came from my ex’s lies and betray, but it also just hurt to imagine him being with someone else and preferring them over me. Those emotions of possessiveness and jealousy, even divorced (pun intended) from the betrayal element of cheating would still upset me, I think. Maybe these feelings are just a result of a combination of insecurity and my societal upbringing towards monogamy, but they are still very real to me. So I want a relationship with a partner who will respect my feelings on this matter and do their best to avoid causing me strong emotional pain, just as I would do for them.
To me, it feels more freeing to just not have to worry about my partner getting with other people, and it’s well-worth the trade-off of not doing something I had no desire for anyways. I see nothing wrong with this type of relationship as long as everyone involved consents to it. But if others want relationships with complete freedom on what they do with additional partners, more power to them.
My problem is exclusivity being the standard or default requirement for almost everyone, in many case just because that’s what everyone else is doing.
This deletes, say 95% of the population. It’s already a very improbable thing to hook up with someone compatible and have that requirement, unless you have a very high “hook up attempt” rate than you can just forget the whole thing as unrealistic, which I did a long time ago.
It’s just not going to happen, no interested, the terms are unacceptable I’m not even going to waste any time trying.